Funnies!

 Laughter

 

  • “The story is told of the zookeeper who one day was passing the monkey house.  He   looked in and saw a monkey sitting on the branch of a tree with the Bible in one hand and Darwin’s The Origin of Species in the other.  “What are you doing?” asked the zookeeper. The monkey replied “I’m trying to discover whether I’m my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother!”

 

  • A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.  The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”  The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'  Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: 'HEBREWS' (he brews).

 

  • God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!

 

  • Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"

 

  • A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"

 

  • An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 90 years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!"

    "How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.

    "I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

    "Then why are you telling me this?"

    "I'm telling everyone!"

 

  • The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

  • An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.   The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.  An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.   The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.   Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.

 

"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.   Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around

town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

 

  • Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

    After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

    "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"


Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."

 

  • Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.

    He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."

    The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"

    "But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."

    The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."

    The man said, "Oh thank you, Father;  that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"